Addressing the Lonliness crisis
Cultivating Belonging in a Fragmented World
by Devin Barney
With the psalm wrapping up, the Time was fast approaching. Organ notes shifted to a hauntingly familiar prelude to my morning anxiety. Deep breath in. Deep breath out.
Sound swelled as the congregation joined together singing:
“Jesus loves the little children…” Deep breath in. Deep breath out.
A small arm wrapped around the small of my back, gently pushing me towards the center aisle, out beyond the protection of our pew.
“All the children of the world…” Deep breath in. Deep breath out.
As if disassociated, I watched my own body move as it was compelled by others to lead my younger sister and cousin toward the pulpit to join the other junior congregants for the dreaded “Time for Children.”
“They are precious in His sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world.” Deep breath in. Deep breath out.
As the echoes of the final refrain faded, our preacher began the mini-sermon for minis that day. They were always a simplified, thematically related version of the adult sermon; to delight and include us in the day’s conversation. Inclusion may have been the intention, but it was certainly not my experience.
Children who looked differently from me were celebrated in this space. Children who sounded different from me were celebrated in this space. Children who dressed differently from me were celebrated in this space.
The only time I recall being noticed (not celebrated) was during the story of the good Samaritan wherein it was recognized that those different from us were still capable of good. I got a lot of looks and small nods of acknowledgement that day.
Despite being a member of that congregation from 1993 to when I left in 2011, I never belonged.
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Frankly, as someone who was raised and hurt by a Christian denomination, it is unsurprising to me that participation in religious institutions is on the decline. [1, 2] At an impressionable time, when I needed guidance, mentorship, and adaptive leadership to recognize my struggles and find ways to uplift my journey to my deepest potential – my church, church leadership, and church community was not there for me. I had never felt more alone and craved more connection than I did while participating in the Christian faith community.
When invited to contribute an article to The Interfaith Observer, my immediate thought was: why me? I’m an atheist. I wouldn’t belong. Nothing within my experience of social justice work (from which I’ve been on a long-form hiatus for several reasons) speaks to an experience I would remotely identify as religious. But as I reflected – I realized I have a position, an experience, and a philosophical commitment worth sharing with this audience, and it is meaningful to take up digital space discussing.
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When I think about leadership I think about qualities like decisiveness, charisma, courage, authenticity, and vision. And I believe that the additional layers of qualities required of a leader best suited for a particular challenge or era are the ones that bring balance to the excesses presented by the challenge – optimism in times of doubt, healing in times of harm. Arguably, no matter what time we live in, there are challenges – and, at times, those challenges define our time. Like how Western civilization centers on challenging conflicts and war as meaningful divisions of history.
That said, as an atheist and social scientist, I rather think that the most deeply enduring challenge of our current time is social disconnection and loneliness. One can certainly feel lonely, from time to time, but what I’m referring to is an experience more chronic, more profound.
We need to belong. Just as we need food, shelter, and breath, we need connection with others. When we lack belonging, we are both physically and mentally affected – just as we would be if we were starving, without housing, or choking without air.
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The US Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, countries like the United Kingdom, Japan, Korea, and many health institutions globally recognize that we are in a loneliness crisis – a crisis of division, isolation, and a state of challenge to fulfilling and satisfying our need to belong. [3, 4, 5, 6]
Lonely people are hurting. Lonely people are dying. Lonely people, in desperate need of connection, are prone to involvement with causes and communities actively engaged in violence. [7]
So when I think about adaptive leadership in these challenging times, I think of people and institutions that provide for the three things we need to combat loneliness and cultivate belonging: People, Place, and Purpose.
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People. Adaptive leaders in these times are those who provide individuals with true connection to people. What I mean by this is two-fold: (1) adaptive leaders should themselves be genuine people and (2) adaptive leaders should be capable of connecting people.
In being a person, adaptive leaders are grounded in their humanity, able to admit fault, learn, and grow just like the rest of us. Leadership does not absolve leaders of their flaws and pedestal them as superior. Leadership is a role they play, not who they are.
In connecting people, adaptive leaders offer (among many things) three main opportunities to others: (1) they listen deeply and enable others the opportunity to share their own stories; (2) they use their voice to affirm the values, goals, dreams, and realities of others; and (3) they express belief in others’ potential.
I have had the great fortune to experience such leaders across my life thus far. None of them were recognized by the mass general public, but rather led humbly and were well-respected within their own small communities. Two of the greatest examples I have of folks who lived and breathed this kind of leadership are my former high school choir director Mrs. Smith and theatre director Mrs. Teague.
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Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Teague were not naturally gifted leaders, nor did they attend leadership seminars or training to cultivate their leadership. They simply showed up and listened. Mrs. Smith used to say “98% of life is showing up. If you show up, the rest will follow.” And they both lived by those words.
Often, they would openly express when they felt out of their depth. Sometimes they had little to no experience to inform how they might tackle our collective next challenge, but they stayed grounded in themselves and listened, asked questions, and extended compassion to themselves and others as a means of navigating the uncertain. True to Mrs. Smith’s motto, the rest (of us) would follow.
I recall a particularly challenging time, when Mrs. Teague’s daughter, Haley, had become one of the youngest people in the United States to be diagnosed with a rare neurodegenerative disease, known as amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS). Over time, we watched as Haley’s health slowly deteriorated and robbed her of everyday faculties that we took for granted. As a community, none of us knew how to support her and feared for what might happen to her. Sharing similar fears, Mrs. Teague and Mrs. Smith offered us opportunities to mutually share our concerns, express our ultimate fear of losing Haley, and doubts over what we could do to ease Haley’s pain.
Together, with the student body, we eventually transformed those listening spaces and stories into a play and fundraiser for ALS research that allowed our entire community the chance to experience our mixed feelings surrounding this challenge together, and to be seen, heard, and affirmed. We lost Haley not too long after, but through the opportunities Mrs. Teague and Mrs. Smith created we were able to progress through an emotional journey that allowed us all to celebrate Haley’s life and move forward believing in the good we could all do to help others facing ALS.
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Place. Adaptive leaders in these times are those who provide individuals with a true connection to places beyond work and home. We can belong with our peers at work and within our families, but cultivating a sense of belonging beyond those spaces is equally important in combating loneliness. Known as “third places,'' these spaces are places for us to connect socially, recreationally, artistically, and/or spiritually like cafes, malls, libraries, parks, bars, and community centers. Despite their importance, third places are on the decline, and with them the overall health and wellbeing of our neighborhood communities.8 Leadership at this time means cultivating openness, welcome, comfort, and safety in third places.
One of my favorite examples of robust third-place communities is that of Fountain House, a New York City-based nonprofit that operates a Clubhouse model for people living with serious mental illness. They are true leaders in helping individuals with serious mental illness, providing support to the whole person, not simply treating them as a diagnosis. A clubhouse is a gathering place where people are welcome to find others with whom to connect. In Fountain House’s model, both staff and clubhouse members work together on projects to bring each other a sense of belonging and mattering. For many, rather than languish in self-isolation day in and day out, the clubhouse gives them a refuge and place to be.
Purpose. Adaptive leaders in these times are those who provide individuals with the opportunity to discern a true connection to purpose and meaning. I define purpose as having a sense of direction, intention, aim, or goals in life; whereas I define meaning as having a sense that an individual’s collective life experiences “make sense” together and are fulfilling. Taken together, purpose and meaning along with people and place constitute a powerfully enduring sense of belonging that is sorely needed in this age.
How one discovers and cultivates purpose and meaning within themselves and gives space and opportunity to others to develop the same is an open question. That said, I believe being present for people and providing them with a sense of place (as discussed earlier) are two necessary prerequisites for purpose and meaning to blossom.
Photo: Atheists United
Consider for a moment the great work of Atheists United Los Angeles. Many atheists grow up raised with a religious affiliation that we eventually renounce in favor of belief in atheist principles. In leaving that affiliation, we lose the religiously affiliated opportunities for community, for a third place, and the cultivation of purpose and meaning. Recognizing this, Atheists United Los Angeles offers connections to like-minded people and places by organizing compelling gatherings on Sundays or volunteer opportunities – and from that folks have cultivated purpose and meaning.
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In our time of loneliness and social disconnection, finding belonging through people, place, and purpose is paramount; I believe adaptive leaders can address this. Belonging is not a static state. There are certainly times of stability wherein one has found a great community and a gathering space and a sense of direction and meaning that make sense for the time being. But as is the nature of all things, change happens. Development happens. Shifts in external circumstances and personal disposition mean a dynamic search for new people, new places, and new purposes are inevitable. To me, adaptive leaders are aware of such changing needs and cultivate the wherewithal to offer themselves and others the authenticity, connection, space, and understanding that enables the blossoms of belonging. Doing so does not require accolades, authority, birthright, or disposition. Rather, it requires genuine compassion, strong listening, cultivation of warmth and welcome, and the ability to meet people where they are and walk with them as partners along whatever path they are so moved to follow.
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References
[1] Twenge, J. M., Sherman, R. A., Exline, J. J., & Grubbs, J. B. (2016). Declines in American Adults’ Religious Participation and Beliefs, 1972-2014. Sage Open, 6(1). https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244016638133
[2] Twenge, J. M., Campbell, W. K., & Carter, N. T. (2014). Declines in trust in others and confidence in institutions among American adults and late adolescents, 1972–2012. Psychological Science, 25(10), 1914–1923. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797614545133
[3] Office of the Surgeon General (OSG). (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. US Department of Health and Human Services.
[4] United Kingdom (2021). Emerging together: The tackling loneliness network action plan. GOV.UK. https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/emerging-together-the-tackling-loneliness-network-action-plan/emerging-together-the-tackling-loneliness-network-action-plan
[5] The Japan Times (2023). Japan’s Parliament enacts bill to tackle social isolation. The Japan Times. https://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2023/05/31/national/social-isolation-bill/
[6] Yeung, J., & Bae, G. (2023, April 14). South Korea is paying “lonely young people” $500 a month to re-enter society. CNN. https://www.cnn.com/2023/04/14/asia/south-korea-youth-recluse-stipend-intl-hnk/index.html
[7] Wood, Natasha (2020) Adventures in Solitude: The Link Between Social Isolation and Violent Extremism. Master's Thesis, University of Pittsburgh. (Unpublished)
[8] Finlay, J., Esposito, M., Kim, M. H., Gomez-Lopez, I., & Clarke, P. (2019). Closure of ‘third places’? Exploring potential consequences for collective health and wellbeing. Health & place, 60, 102225.
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